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Is Pokemon Racist?
NO!!!! But THIS disagrees. According to that site, Jynx “clearly denigrates African Americans, particularly black women.” Talk about going out on a limb, this accusation goes out on limb, branch, twig, leaf, and the caterpillar that inhabits it.
This web site particularly claims that “The Story of Little Black Sambo” was the inspiration for Jynx, and that Jynx was deliberately molded from her appearance. Say what? The things they have in common are dark skin, eyes, and a mouth. Under this criterion, Mickey Mouse is more intolerant than Michael Richards. What is going on here, folks?
Okay, okay. Maybe Jynx’s actions are similar to black stereotypes… nope! After much research (online because I couldn’t find any Jynx colonies to observe) I’ve learned a few things about the creature. First of all, Jynx doesn’t have any feet and doesn’t leave footprints. Now I have quite a few black friends, all of who have feet. They don’t just float around. Also, Jynx is a psychic. African Americans are not psychic! Only John Edward and Professor X possess these skills and they are both Caucasians.
Must we be so nitpicky? Are people just blowing these minor details out of proportion? If Jynx is politically incorrect towards African Americans, then I am offended by Mario! Yeah! He is the spitting image of a Jew! Look at him. Have you seen that big old nose? You were allowed to pull on it and make a mockery of his abnormal schnoz at the beginning of Super Mario 64 while probably yelling at the television, “What a large Jew nose you have!” Not cool. And not to mention that all Mario ever does is collect golden coins. This obviously suggests that Jews are greedy and want money. What the heck, Nintendo? Not all Jews pick up pennies from the ground. There are some that don’t. I’m sure there are.
So cut it out Jynx haters! This Pokemon is clean and not based off of any culture or race. I’m on board with the allegations of the crows from Dumbo, and what Disney did with Uncle Remis was far from appropriate, but lay off of Jynx! She definitely doesn’t meet any of the stereotypes that are associated with our beloved African American population.
But she does have a really big dick.
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Why I Love the New York Knicks
I haven’t been truly enthralled by the National Basketball Association since the greatest player of all-time was playing for the Chicago Bulls. I’m talking, of course, about Dennis Rodman. Totally JK!!
For the first time since MJ was ballin’ it up, I’m back into the action with a new favorite team: The New York Knicks.
You might ask yourself, “Why Aaron, would you decide to root for a team that went 32-50 last year. A team that hasn’t even won half of their games since 2001. An organization that has done very little in the offseason to give themselves any promise for future success?”
Answer (with a question): Do you know what Knicks are? Knicks are knickerbockers. Do you know what knickerbockers are? Pants. They are the New York Pants. That is the coolest fucking team name ever. I ask unto you, what is more intimidating than an angry pair of trousers? Sure Grizzlies, Raptors, and even the sometimes cute Bobcats seem scarier than a pair of khakis, but have you ever come face-to-face with any of those things? (Rhetorical question unless you’ve seen in a raptor. Tell me that.) No! Pants are everywhere. You can’t be any more vulnerable than when half of your body is inside of something. Pants can make you look fat, they can ride up and cluster your genitalia, pants can even… kill you.
So go ahead and root for your Cavaliers, the Royalist supporters of King Charles I that don’t even exist anymore. And go on cheering for the Lakers, enthusiasts of water. I’m sticking with a mascot that could beat every other mascot’s ass. Or at least give it a wedgie.
LET’S GO SLACKS!
P.S. We’re getting LeBron in 2010. Don’t say I jumped on the bandwagon.
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The Faults of Mario Kart 64
I think we can all agree that Mario Kart for Nintendo 64 is one of the greatest games of all time for any system ever (right behind Pokemon Red/Blue and Super Mario 64). But if we love this game so much, why does every single race end with someone throwing a controller or yelling “Fuck penguins!”? I’ll tell you why. Because there are so many things about this game that suck! Here are a few:
- The Robin Hood bullshit. The person in first place always gets singular green shells and bananas while the people who suck are getting stars, mushrooms, and lightning bolts. In what other game does this bullshit happen? If you’re getting your ass kicked in a game of chess do your pawns transform into rooks and bishops? No. That’s why shitty people are so good at Mario Kart.
- Toad’s Turnpike on reverse. Why not just punch yourself in the nuts (vagina if you’re a girl. Would that even hurt?)? This course is straight up suicide. You get hit by a semi and you go flying in the air. Devastated, you try to put that in the past and prepare to recoup. BOOM! A car drills you. Then before you can even land, say hello to Mr. School Bus. Beep, beep!
- The Cubic Rockmen of Bowser’s Castle. Total dicks. Their only mission in life is to ruin my day and they always succeed. The second I try to sneak underneath them, “Ummph!” And I hate their faces.
- Yoshi’s Valley. If it’s your turn to pick and you choose to race here, you are a lousy person. It is the hardest and most confusing course of all. They don’t reveal what place you’re in until the end, but I know what place I’m in… last. Because it’s fucking impossible. And what’s up with those porcupine people things? I feel like I’m the only person who even knows about them because I always take the worst route. This is a good example of why the road less traveled by is less traveled by. You feelin’ me?
- The Coconuts in DK’s Jungle. Sometimes I have trouble staying on the path. Rather than helping me out and giving me a chance to get back on, my ass is getting continuously bombarded with the hardest fruit known to mankind. Why are the coconuts conscious, and furthermore, assholes?
- Since I love Mario Kart I’ll call off the dogs, but not after I talk about the worst part of Mario Kart 64: Rainbow fucking Road. This course is not about who is the best racer. This course is about who can stay awake long enough to finish Rainbow Road. Holy shit. One lap takes longer to finish than most grand prixs. And I hate Chomper (the barking thing that looks like a grey version of Pac-Man). He is harder to avoid than puberty. And the upside-down question mark rainbow boxes are impossible to differenciate when the course is a rainbow itself! If you have a year of your life to donate, give it to the Peace Corps or mentor a young child. Don’t race on Rainbow Road.
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Yo Nemo! How come you don't rap anymore?
Rather than answering this question with an answer, I was critically looking back through all of my old lyrics that I wrote from ages 13-15 and I’ve decided to compile a top five list of Aaron Nemo’s Worst Lines. These may explain why I don’t rap anymore.
Aaron Nemo’s Worst Lines
#5: “They like my shit whether they’re drunk or sober. They only boo on the 31st of October.”
Get it? Yeah, no one else did either.
#4: “Sure I’ve got some foes who oppose my shows. But the rest knows my shit flows like a hose.”
This line creates great imagery. Shit flowing like a hose. Nasty.
#3: “Money’s just paper, like the kind in your printer. If you can print some fame then you”ll be a winner.”
The secret to life is printing things that are intangible. Now you know.
#2: “This aint 1492 I know the world aint flat. Bout to take everything over that’s on the map. Make it one big country every hand in hand. Fuck Pangea I’d call it Nemoland.”
That makes me hate me.
#1: “The CD hopin’ to make a few tokens. If not that means it worked like a fish with no fins.”
This is what happens when rappers turn to cough syrup for inspiration. Me and Lil’ Weezy were probably high off Robitussin when I wrote that line.
Can’t get enough? Hear some of my old raps at www.myspace.com/diditbynemo
